Ponderisms ……

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a phone camera these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

and from     Mitch Hedberg

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f*ck’s really goin’ on down there? Who is the real hero?

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousands of something.

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